Have you ever made a trip to go home just to realize that you don’t know where that is anymore?
I grew up in Italy and a few years ago I moved to the United States. I love it here and I couldn’t see myself living anywhere else. In Italy I’ve always had the feeling of not fitting in, something was not right with my way of doing things, and somehow, I was often told that I was just “too German”, which is an insult for Italians because it means that you are a person that is too cold, pragmatic, realistic, and too efficient as well (as that can be a bad thing, right?). Now that I live in the US, I don’t feel like that anymore and I’m very happy about it. Obviously, there is no perfect country in the world, just the one that makes us feel home.
My first five years in the US were spent in Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh is a place where I’ve always felt home. Okay, maybe not always. The first visit was a shock, so many trees, everything was so very green, streets were huge and, overall, it felt a little overwhelming. However, a year and a half later I moved there. As soon I stepped off the plane, I could smell the trees and feel the humidity…I just felt at home. It’s hard to describe that feeling, but I remember taking a deep breath and then sighting in relief, feeling like finally I was in the right place. Fast forward almost six years, and I find myself living in Arizona. It’s definitely not home, I’ve been here for almost a year and still feel like I landed yesterday. In all honesty, I’m not even trying to fit in here, not yet, but this is a topic for a different post.
In two days I’ll take a flight to Raleigh, and I have mixed feelings about this trip. I want to feel like I’m going home, but a part of me says that that’s not home anymore. I don’t have a house there, but I have friends that truly are my family, I miss them so much, however, I don’t like to visit because I just wish to live with them and do the same things we used to do together (if that makes sense). When visiting, I think about the little time we have, and I feel like I must savor and enjoy every single moment because it’s not going to last. That’s a lot of pressure if you ask me! In addition to that, I also struggle with feelings that I would prefer not to have. I get jealous because my friends “get to live in Raleigh” and I don’t. Sometimes I get angry when I think that “they don’t appreciate that they can live in Raleigh enough”. They should be more grateful, you know? It doesn’t make sense, I know. It’s also very hard to visit everyone and just being constantly moving from one place to another for ten days, I can’t keep a routine and I always feel like I have to do things and stay with others at all times, or I’m wasting the trip. I’m an introvert so being surrounded by people all the time is extremely tiring. I also have anxiety generalized disorder, therefore being exhausted really doesn’t help my mental state.
Oh, man! Things get really complicated when life throws lemons at you and you refuse to make lemonade! I try to accept that Arizona is the place where I have to be for the next couple of years, but it’s just not working…yet. I truly hope to wake up one day and be enlightened by the awareness that I’m where I’m supposed to be once again. While I wait, I’ll just keep calling Raleigh home and go visit every time I get a chance, (all while struggling with the idea that I don’t really have a home anymore).
I’m going to pack my luggage now. I have the habit of packing and unpacking the suitcase three times before being satisfied with the results, so I better get the whole process started.
I’ll write about the trip soon! In the meantime, thank you for spending some time with me, and have a nice day!